who decides what’s “good enough” for you?
I had a tough work week last week. I could feel the disappointment from my coworkers, my higher ups - I felt like I wasn't meeting their bar of "success".
And that stressed me the f* out.
* People pleasing anxiety activated *
Maybe you’re like me and have moments where the anxiety of failing others can feel like a suffocating weight.
My own personal internal dialogue goes a little something like this:
“If they don’t think I’m doing good, then I must not be good enough.”
So as one does when feeling overwhelmed, I called a friend to so someone could share the burden of my distress.
I was just working up a good cry when my friend gently asked, "Okay, so tell me. What makes you feel like you're failing?"
Frazzled I answered, "Because everyone is frustrated and confused and looking to me and I just don't have the answers. I can feel their disappointment. I hate it."
He got quiet and I prepared myself to hear what most people tell me in this situation:
Most people like to say things like, "You're doing great. I bet no one is frustrated, everything is going to be okay."
Comments that are all kind but keep the pressure on me to work to not let others think I'm failing.
People want to comfort me by affirming that I’m actually not disappointing anyone and everything is fine.
But by affirming no one is mad, you’re still placing value on others’ opinion of me.
Basically you’re saying, “no don’t worry no one is mad! So you can still work really hard to make sure no one is mad!”
The value is still placed on someone else’s opinion of my effort, instead of my own opinion.
And that is not a comforting response.
Lucky for me, my friend surprised me with his answer.
"So what if others feel like you're doing a terrible job? Let them think that. Only you can decide if you're a failure here."
Oh. Of course.
Others can't hold the power of deciding what my good enough is unless I give them that power.
We can flip the script. We don’t have to chase to achieve what others’ define as good enough.
Only I can decide what "good" is for me.
For most of my life I've given up this decision to others.
I’ve given this decision to coworkers, to society, to strangers on the internet.
I have the power to decide that I want to close my laptop at 5pm and go for a walk because to me, I want a life that is not tied to a computer screen all day.
I’m allowed to leave a poor work performance review and feel accomplished within myself because my bar of “good enough” is to try my best during working hours and letting the rest go.
I don’t have to let others’ expectations me affect how I feel about my worth.
I’m allowed to let my values of how I want to live my life be “good” enough for me. Not how my boss or coworkers view me. No body but me.
How much of your life is based on the evaluation of others?
How much of your actions is rooted in achieving the definition of good set by others?
Because really…who is defining what "good" is?
What's a "good" job?
A "good” diet?
A "good" salary?
A "good" body?
A "good" relationship?
A "good" morning routine?
A "good" wardrobe?
A "good" haircut?
A “good” work/life balance?
When you allow others to determine what “good”, you're always going to feel empty and overwhelmed.
You can't feel satisfied when you are chasing after other people's constantly changing definitions of good.
It's like trying to bake a cake when the ingredients are constantly changing. Or trying fill a pale of water with holes at the bottom.
No matter how hard you try, you going to be left with a mess and frustration.
So allow me to remind you, as I was reminded myself:
You are allowed to be gentle with yourself. You're allowed to decide that whatever level of effort you are giving is plenty good enough.
You are allowed to hold yourself with compassion and care.
You are allowed to let people hold thoughts about you and not let that impact how YOU feel about you.
You are giving enough and doing enough because only you hold the power to decide what is enough. No one else.
So here are some helpful questions to ask yourself to evaluate your definition of “good enough”:
Where in your life do you allow others to define what is "good"?
Who do you give that power to?
What does “good” really look like for YOU? For no one else other than you.
