Do you have a toxic relationship to shame?
What I mean is, do you secretly believe that without shame your situation would never change?
Do you secretly hold onto shame because without it, you would repeat the same patterns?
I was recently speaking to a client about how shame was showing up in her life.
She had made a mistake and was sharing how she felt obligated to sit in the feelings of shame.
So I asked, “Somewhere it feels like you believe this shame will help you. What are you hoping shame will help you do?”
"Well, I can't make this mistake again. If I feel bad enough, maybe I won’t do it again."
Ah, of course. We think that that shame is the only way to hold ourselves accountable. The only way to get out of a situation.
We believe that by feeling shame, by making ourselves small enough, we think we will will act differently different.
But shame is not the only route to change.
Let’s take body image as an example.
Some people choose to lose try to change their body from a place of body hate and shame.
"I hate my body so I must punish it into being smaller.”
“I punish this body with treadmill sprints and rice cakes."
But what life does this mindset create? It creates one where you are constantly looking at your body from a place of hatred and criticism.
You've heard about the people who lost incredible amounts of weight only to still hate their bodies.
Hate breeds hate. Shame breeds shame.
Shame is not an empowering place to take action. It's disempowering.
Instead of adding energy to help enact powerful change, shame sucks your energy. It puts you in a place of self-doubt and fear.
But there is another way…
You could choose to honor your body, to appreciate it for all its gifts.
From a place of love, you choose to move your body in a life-giving, energizing ways.
You fuel your body with foods that make you feel great BECAUSE you love your body.
And perhaps you lose weight, but the thing that doesn't change is that you give yourself grace and love no matter what.
In truth, it’s love and compassion that breeds powerfully aligned, sustainable action.
(I'm not saying you should go through life not thinking about the impact of your actions on others. Accountability is critical in any functioning relationship or society.)
What I am saying is that you get to choose a mindset where you take action from a place of love and compassion, not from fear and shame.
From this loving place, energy flows. Inspiration flows.
My invitation to you:
What areas of your life are you quick to 'shame' yourself? Your job? Your body? Your relationship status?
How does shame physically feel in your body? Describe the sensations?
Are you secretly believe that shame is an effective and loving way to change behaviors?
How would I speak to a child who was feeling the same type of shame? And can I give that same level of compassion to myself?
